I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but this fall I'll be packing my bags again and heading off to university. It will be another brand new adventure; one with a clean, blank canvass.
Yesterday I attended the Honors College Orientation. I got out of the car and joined the masses of other nervous freshman who had labored over their outfits just hours before. I did my best to make friends (I think I was successful there) and even let myself out of the shell I always seem to be hiding in.
However, throughout the whole day, a single thought kept rolling over and over in my head: Something has changed.
I've always thought of myself as a little-bit behind. When other kids my age went to parties, I preferred to stay home and chat with my Mom.When my friends went shopping for cute clothes at all the trendy places, I found myself still wearing the same old outfits I had always worn. Even while in Israel, I was reluctant to go to bars (which is perfectly legal there) with all my new friends.
It wasn't that I disagreed with going to parties, buying cute clothes or having a casual drink at the bar, it was just that all of those things were beyond my comfort zone-- and I needed the extra push.
While at orientation, I felt like I was seeing two movies simultaneously in my head. The first movie was dedicated to the person I was this time last year. I watched her interact with others and eat her lunch and do all the corny activities led by orientation advisers.
The other screen was the present me, the real life reality show that is my life.
And to be quite honest: the movies playing on those two screens were 100 percent different.
The present me had this underlying sense of calm the whole day through. The present me went through that lunch line and didn't care what others thought about the items on her plate. The present me didn't constantly compare herself to everyone in the room. And most importantly-- on orientation that day, the present me didn't over analyze everything she said, did, or didn't do. Instead she just...went with it.
I thought about this a lot on my way home from the university. Maybe I'm not so behind anymore?
I actually think that, on the flip side, I'm ahead in a lot of ways now.
This time last year, I left the world I've always known, and experienced a life where I constantly had to push myself and struggle with challenges. I was independent in a country, for all intensive purposes, I was a stranger to. That, my friends--- is something I feel I can be proud of.
In some way, I know that the old me- the person I was before this whole adventure, would have been alright going straight to college. But I can finally see with clarity why taking that year was so important; why it added to my life in so many ways.
I no longer feel like I'm the only one who just "doesn't get it"
The truth is...there is nothing to get! If you have confidence and respect for your self, than everything will fall into place. I truly believe this.
- Loni
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